Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
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Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it