Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
You Might Also Like
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Glasses
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.