*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
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[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
presenting your incognito window wrapped
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word