*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.