Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi