Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
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Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.