Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

I’d hang this in my house.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in