Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
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I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
crochet youtube is brutal
