Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

me irl

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business