Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

wait.

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis