Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

This is what makes twitter great

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

this is what they would have looked like, though