Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*