Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.