Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

Still cracks me up

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

I love it

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why