me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
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*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
LA today:
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.