@FredTaming

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

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@just1fool

Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.

@Adar79Angie

Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming.

@TheBoydP

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

@GorillaNipples1

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

@nbadag

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

@osoplain

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

@drinksmcgee

Coworker 1: I’m sick. Everyone stay away from me.
Me: Yeah, everyone stay away from me as well.
Coworker 2: Oh, are you sick too?
Me: No.

@gavinpivott

“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.

@DirtMcTurd

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones