Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
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Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Coworker 1: I’m sick. Everyone stay away from me.
Me: Yeah, everyone stay away from me as well.
Coworker 2: Oh, are you sick too?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones