me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
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What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Dance like you’re not the father
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
My dating profile:
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom