me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
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I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”