Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

some things should go without saying

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*