Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.