me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
You Might Also Like
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Good morning
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
What happened to the other hiker??!
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
