Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

I’m hunting wabbits…

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.