Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
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WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot