Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…