Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
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My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
happy valentine’s day to me
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?