Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
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I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
🤣
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe