Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

The Birdles

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

📽️movie date🎞️

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

LOL!

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.