Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
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#inspiration #foodforthought
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
yea so i messed up lol
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
LA today:
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂