Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
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Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
“felt cute might delete later lolz”