Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.