Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?