Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
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“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.