Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

Just why bro?!

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

Guilty! 🤪

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

When you try jalapeños for the first time

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

fixed it

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]