Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Comparing yourself to others

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Home is where your toilet is.

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

felt that

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.