Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.