Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
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Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I just helped a 94 year old dude figure out how to use his card at the gas pump. First off my dawg we need to get you off the road
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks