Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
You Might Also Like
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
a McRib killed my tapeworm