Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
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Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
That’s fair
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
My inexpensive home security system…
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
when nothing goes right… go left
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.