Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same