Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.