ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
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*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”