Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.

Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”