Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
You Might Also Like
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
S O O N
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
The opposite of goth is stopth.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars