Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
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Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started