Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.