Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

i want the dreams to chase me for once

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again