ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
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On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
this got me crying😭😭
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.