ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
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I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired