Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

😭

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

I’m literally crying

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

An escape room, but it’s trying to find a specialist in your network who is less than 147 miles away.

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

I am crying

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.