ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
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The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?