Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
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4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.