Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”