Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.