me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
You Might Also Like
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …