me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
And now we wait
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*