ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
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It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Saturday
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)