ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
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ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”