Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

What’s the point buying it then?

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air