Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

I have a type: disappointing

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

Bruh PLEASE

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book