Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.