Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

Spell check is for lasers.

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.