Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box