ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
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My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Big Sex has us all fooled
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*