Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.