Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

Big Sex has us all fooled

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!