me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
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As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes