me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

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Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.


Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.


Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.


Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.


Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.


NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe


I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.


To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.


Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably