@aotakeo

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

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@snatch_stache

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

@sarcasticmommy4

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

@TheTweetOfGod

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

@samalmightysam

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

@GuyBreakup

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

@KalvinMacleod

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

@Thedudish

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

@C00LpenNAME

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably