Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!