Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
You Might Also Like
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I love twitter
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce